28th February 2017
I rarely avoid dreaming. Some dreams stay with me throughout the day, others are gone before I'm in the shower. Last night's dream was horrific.
I always try to unravel the positive from the apparently negative. Before I attempt that here's some background to the dream.
A nuclear explosion just a few miles away and well above ground turned the world white. Myself, friends and some people who used to be friends all clambered up from the rubble and instantly began to argue about the best thing to do.
The scene looked much like the Predator's 'snow' view as seen in Predator 2.
Here are some keywords from the experience:
Nuclear. Fallout. Anger. Violence. Confusion. Hills. Red Orb. Danger. Caution. Trees. Climbing. Guitars. Friends. Confrontation. Blood. Running. Escape. Threat.
This was obviously a dream about danger. Not a subtle danger by any means. This was a brutal experience that was experienced by everybody. Including friends. Notably absent from the dream were my loved ones.
Throughout the entire dream I emerged as the agitator. I was apparently unable to come to terms with the catastrophic events that had hurled us all into the mess.
What's more I turned on a lifelong friend to vent my anger and frustration. We wound up fighting a bloody fight with no real outcome. There was to be no reconciling of differences. This was a grim and upsetting view of the future where I became a frustrated and isolated figure.
The gist of this dream plays to my deepest fears encapsulated by the words solitary and loss-of-control.
The nuclear setting is a strange one. I rarely dream to the extremes. Perhaps the white setting, if not the nuclear aspect, can be explained by driving home through a bank of snow yesterday afternoon. I don't know. But it was a vivid and engaging sight to behold.
That I should turn on a close and lifelong friend is quite inexplicable and disturbing. We didn't just fight we fought dirty and with real purpose. Nobody, it seemed, really cared that we should suddenly have such hatred for one another.
There were no shops, houses, cars, lights.. nothing. The normal world had gone. My comfort zone had been erased. Perhaps my frustration had emerged from this rather than any deep-seated issue I may have had with my friend.
Losing control is a huge fear that I have.
It probably goes hand in hand with having a disability. At the moment I have some control and am completely independent. But one day this could all change and I may well become thoroughly dependent on others for the most basic of tasks.
The friend who I turned on is the opposite to this. He's strong and independent.
Perhaps this is the issue. I'm jealous. When faced with irreversible and life changing circumstances my jealousy gets the better of me.
Dreams like this teach me an enormous amount but for somebody who is on the journey to complete positivity it can feel like a setback.
But then I must remind myself that it is a dream and dreams serve a purpose. Our memory banks are vast and the things that we process appear to have no rhyme nor reason. They don't even, on the face of it, appear relevant.
At least they can be dealt with in the safety of our minds in an unconscious state.